“You act so old. You don’t know how to play.” A mother’s voice, a statement of fact, I took her at her word.
Yep I was born an old soul. Sensitive to energy, introverted. Feeling and seeing things others can’t or won’t’.
Growing up in an alcoholic family that always seemed to be in some sort of chaos, especially around money and struggle and truth… I learned early on how to keep my wits about me to try to stay safe.
It was a big deal senior year when I tried out for the theater production “Our Town” and was cast as one of the townspeople. Moving to a Florida my sophomore year it was hard fitting in, high school was not fun.
Naples back then was a very small town and clearly divided into the “haves and have nots”.
If you lived in this subdivision you had money.
If you lived on this side of the road you didn’t have money.
After losing their money in the stock market my parents decided to start over in the land of the Sun and oranges, to seek their fortunes in Florida. That didn’t happen, they arrived broke and stayed broke; one step ahead of the bill collectors.
My younger sisters easily made the transition, no problem. Mom didn’t understand “Why can’t you be like your sisters and make friends? You’re not trying.” My soul loss was huge! I felt ripped from the community of friends and family I loved only to land in a sea of nobodies and somebodies; struggling to find my way.
It came with a mighty dose of feeling not good enough that showed up the first day of school. Standing at the bus stop I freaked out… the next day I couldn’t leave the house because the anxiety set in again; this went on and on until Mom gave me one of her nerve pills. Panic attacks and IBS that stayed with me until I went off to college and only returned when I went home to visit.
Girls in Naples High were lifelong friends- together since grade school, they had their cliques. So trying out for the high school theater production was a BIG move for me. My fear of being seen was side swiped by a greater urge of wanting to feel part of the community.
With excitement I went to the thrift stores searching for my costume; finally finding the perfect outfit. A navy blue belted sheath dress along with an old fashion hat to match, one with a net that drops down over the brim…very retro. I liked the feel of the fabric, the way I looked. At home I tried it on. Wanting Mom’s approval I walked out of my bedroom asking “what do you think?”
“It makes you look frumpy.”
Her words.
A slap.
I don’t fit. You’ll never fit.
I don’t know how to play. No one wants to play with you.
You’re frumpy.
Old before your time.
First born girl, supposed to be her perfect child, so she could be the perfect mother. Raped at three she chose to bury our secret and then spend the rest of our lives making each other wrong. A battle of wills laid a groundwork of self-doubt so I wouldn’t tell the truth.
I cared for these secrets until my own dear daughter was born. How could I hand this critical inner mother over to her when all she gave me was pure joy, light and innocence…I made a vow to do whatever it takes to heal.
And so I did.
This morning, sitting in the chair, waiting for my hair stylist I looked in the mirror and deep into my eyes. First I saw all the flaws, my small eyes, brown marks, the waggle in my neck… a voice bubbled up “you’re too old.” WTF!?#
Deep breath.
Then I looked again and a very loving inner voice arrived…
surprised me…tears welled up as I recognized
“I’ve finally caught up with my Self; the wisdom, the knowing. Waiting all my life to be here NOW.”
Good. Enough.
Rev. Michele Grace Lessirard, an intuitive life coach, helps you break through resistance, stop spinning in doubt so you can come back into balance, make more money and have a greater impact in the community you serve. A certified Money Breakthrough Method® coach, spiritual healer and counselor Michele Grace helps you move your dream from “woo-woo to “who’s who®” in 90 days with heart-centered business building tools.
This month marks the 20th anniversary of her spiritual rebirth- finding truth, speaking truth. So this very Pisces woman is celebrating. Watch your email for some special celebrations.
