This crossroad is working me on so many levels. The death of a mother is a profound journey. The lessons keep on giving at each turn of the Moon, shamanically thirteen cycles to grieve and birth a new awareness. The key is to look within your chart and understand each lunation what the call and response is for us to step fully into our power as divine feminine leaders.
Last month I journeyed back to South Carolina to elder sit my dad, honoring a commitment I made this summer. Growing up Mom drilled into
us me that things always needed to be fair and balanced between my sisters and me. Harmony is a must, so don’t gang up; get along. If I hung out with one sister excluded the other, I’d hear about it. Funny that same rule never applied to me.
“What’s going to happen with Mom’s diamonds?” I asked.
Mom a true organizer left three folders (one with each of our names). Sis’s folder had the pamphlet from the 1975 abortion clinic noting the date and time. An abortion I arranged. Sis tells me Mom claimed her favorite child in a letter and bestowed upon that beloved daughter the gift of her diamond engagement ring.
As the story of the diamond is told I watch my sister, Mom’s caregiver of 7 years, crash and burn.
Mom’s lessons of fairness and kindness fly out the window for me. Once again feeling betrayed and violated* my inner child went into hyper drive, even in her death when I expected peace she leaves a legacy that keeps on giving. Another layer of my mask is off.
What’s a mid-century modern woman to do? Forgive myself.
Clean up in aisle 6!! In watery Scorpio the call is to go deep into our emotional muck and surrender, so we are clear to manifest our soul gifts. Each year we become FEARLESS because we’ve faced the challenges Scorpio offers in our birth chart. Taurus and Scorpio work together. Taurus demands a woman know her true worth-you show up, look at what you want to create, give it a form, face the fear and do it anyway.
Being Fearless in Taurus means you take risks, charge what your worth and DON’T undervalue your services. “How you do money is how you do everything.”- Kendall Summerhawk. The dysfunction in my family always seems to revolve around money, who has it, who controls it, who’s afraid of it.
As a woman, your mother’s money journey influences how you walk around in the world effecting the yesterday, today and your tomorrows…where did she give away her power and how is that effecting you today? At this Scorpio New Moon it’s time to reveal the lies and find your truth in your money mess.
Scorpio roots out the stuck places and demands the holding energy within be released (holding up, holding in, holding on, holding back) so you stay in the creative flow.
Waiting for the Divine Download.
Twelve years ago, as a student at Barbara Brennan School of Healing a beloved teacher died from breast cancer. Barbara talked about the energetics of death and dying, about what happens when a healer gets sick and when a parent passes. I remember her words “stay aware…there will be a divine download that goes on for 3-days after the death”.
From an early age Mom and I were in a battle of wills, feats of energetic strength- my truth versus her truth…keep quiet, STOP! don’t say that, that’s not true, what will people think, what will they say?
Thirty-five years ago I unwittingly participated in a family conspiracy related to my mother’s money issues. Mom demanded that I keep the family secrets, well secret.
Silence -a wall that didn’t want to be touched and denial it even existed. There isn’t a whole lot of fearlessness in this type of mindset where the truth is hidden in order to keep the status quo- where sex, money, power and greed lie at the core while sacrificing of your children.
I brought a lot of unrealistic expectations to her death bed- a tender moment, redemption between the two of us and a loving download.
It wasn’t in the cards. She struggled, and struggled not wanting to let go. After a 5-day vigil I said my goodbyes and started the nine hour drive home…iPod plugged in listening to Nicki Scully’s Becoming the Oracle.
Oracles are the visionaries and truth tellers. As an Oracle you have an obligation to tell the truth; not doing so wrecks your energetic body, and shuts down your ability to vision. Whoa nelly…
At the moment of mom’s death, 3 hours into the drive the divine download happens, clear as a bell. A sudden aha.
“Mom is a bully!”
The awareness drops through me like a rock in water. There’s an energetic release. Within minutes my sister calls to tell me Mom passed. Incredulously I think “this is the divine download Barbara Brennan said would happen? WTF?!”
This is my truth. Not all of us had warm and fuzzy mothers. Some of us had mothers who treated siblings differently. I don’t know why, but they do. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, their wound. My mother showed up differently for my sisters.
Slammed, shamed and shunned for waking up and healing I went into an abyss. What I know for sure today is I am not going to blame a past life nor take responsibility as a child for creating this schism.
My mother’s issues with power, the money mindset, her soul loss is a ancestral legacy I am tracking back through three generations of women and their relationships. That soul loss left me a motherless child. My inner child still wants a mother…my higher self knows Mom and I came together on a shared journey. Somewhere in that dance there is a place of peace, balance and forgiveness. That is my quest.
*I was molested around the age of 3, experienced a Near Death Experience along with PTSD (http://www.iands.org/nde_index/ndes/child.html#a4)
Bless you and your journey. “Seeing it all” can be isolating and I so appreciate your courage to openly and honestly share your journey with us.
Thanks Jessica, an uncorking is happening that is transformative and enlightening. 😀
This was amazing. I know from my chart my mother issues run deep. My mother often triangulates my brother & me.I am setting boundaries to no longer let that happen, but I am coming to terms with confronting her -speaking the truth is not worthwhile because at the end of the day that is not where she wants to go. Her journey – mine can be different.
Again thanks for this post. Very timely!